After Christmas and all of the accompanying festivities, I've been slow to get back on the blogging horse. It's not because I've lost momentum in regards to the series I'm working through, because I'm thinking lots of thoughts and being refreshed in my spirit as I ponder. Matters of the soul are rather difficult to wrap one's mind around, much less one's pen. I don't think I've ever given this much thought to the human soul. Ever. I've never attempted, in my own head, to make a differentiation between the heart and the soul, but I figured since Jesus did, maybe I should try to figure out what He meant.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. ---Mark 12:30
How does one go about defining the human soul? I have thought about it in terms of the connecting point between God and man. When we talk about inviting Jesus "into your heart", where exactly does He go? How does the Holy Spirit divide Himself between millions of believers, inhabiting each and every one of them? I've come to think that the soul is the part of me most made in the image of God. It is where He speaks to me in the deepest place of who I am. It is the part of me that cries out to Him. The writers of the Psalms say over and over again, "praise the Lord, oh my soul." That is where praise begins.
When our children were 5, 7, and 9, we were young in ministry, growing up in our first church out of seminary. One of the things we did regularly was visit people in the nursing home up the street from the parsonage. These visits included a monthly birthday party, where all the residents would gather in the dining room for cake, ice cream, songs, games, and balloons in honor of those who were born in whatever month it happened to be. When the party was over, we'd help the staff roll the residents back to their rooms and clean up the dining room. On this particular day, Bamm-Bamm, our five year old, reached for this sweet little old lady's wheelchair handles and began to slowly pull her backwards, away from the table. She shouted at him, "GET YOUR &#&@%* HANDS OFF OF MY CHAIR!!!" His hands flew up and away as if he'd just touched a hot stove, unable to comprehend how a 90 year old woman could have just cussed him out. I have often prayed that if who I really am underneath is what comes out when I don't remember who I am anymore, then please, God, have mercy. Help me to make sure who I really am is a nice person and not someone who has spent a lifetime trying to convince other people I'm a nice person all the while ignoring the condition of my soul.
I'm rethinking that whole premise.
Just who am I anyway? Why am I so afraid that the "real" me might be someone I really would rather not own up to?
Who am I? I am God's beloved child, redeemed by His very own blood, bought back at a very high price and promised an inheritance beyond my wildest imaginations. I am created in the image of the One True God. I have been given victory over sin and death. I have, at my very core, a connecting point with the Sovereign God, the Creator of the universe. Who am I, that I should be so regarded by this amazing God? Who am I, that He should equip me with a soul connection to His fullness?
In the depths of my soul, I have sensed a restlessness for a good long time. I have ridden the roller coaster all over the park, one minute blaming myself for not being spiritual enough and the next frustrated because I can't quite figure out the secret mystery code for how to live this illusive life of faith. With the help of Sue Monk Kidd (author of "The Secret Life of Bees" and "Where the Heart Waits", to name a few), I am realizing that the restlessness I feel is the real me, buried beneath the layers of pretending and trying to get it right, yearning to break free. My soul - the part of me that connects with God - does not want to stay where it is. Somehow innately knowing there is more to want, my soul wants more.
The question is, where to go from here? Again, the Psalmists speak:
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ---Psalm 27:14
It's not a matter of decoding the mystery or being spiritual enough.
LORD, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God. ---Psalm 38:15
What? I don't have to DO something?
Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. ---Proverbs 8:34
He is calling out to my soul, encouraging me to settle for nothing less than absolute authenticity. Answers will come. I'm willing to wait.
