Busily waiting

This is probably a weird combination of the best and worst times to start a new job. It's the worst time because August is the busiest month of the year in children's ministries and I worked grueling hours trying to finish well at church. It's the worst time because I feel spent between finishing at church and dealing with cancer and like I don't have anything left to give a new job. It's the best because what all of this is going to cost is unknown and some extra money will undoubtedly come in handy. And it's the best because it gives me something else to think about.

Because it feels like a lifetime has passed since Tuesday. Monday and Tuesday were big test days for Pete at the hospital: a bone scan, 3 CTs, and a rather involved set of MRI shots covering every last inch of his tumor leg. I told him that after last year's heart cath, his recent head MRI and all these tests, there's probably not a single centimeter of the inside of his body that has gone unseen. He tolerated it all pretty well for the most part, save some wild blood sugars as a result of having to lay off the diabetes meds for a couple of days while his body processed the FOUR different contrasts he was given to light up his insides.

And this coming Tuesday feels like it's another lifetime away. (That's when we go back to get the results of all the above tests.)

I sort of hit a wall on Thursday - it was like my body was screaming, "ENOUGH ALREADY!!!" and "WHAT PART OF STOP DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???" I left work early with a big migraine, pulling over along the way to throw up, and when I (thankfully) made it home, when straight to bed until morning. Friday was only marginally better, and today a bit better yet, with traces of headache still lurking and enough energy to do some laundry and pick up a bit.

Pete was off this week on vacation, and believe me, spending two days of it at the hospital was not his first choice. But it was better than missing more work, and he did get one project done around the house, so all in all, a good week.

Did I mention that Tuesday is looming large and taking forever to get here?

I would say that up until yesterday we have handled the not knowing pretty well. Our faith is sustaining, and we know that no matter what happens, it is a win-win. That being said, Pete felt the need to talk yesterday about some of the "what-ifs" and I just lost it. I have avoided going there because it seems like a huge waste of emotional energy when things could just as easily go the other and have a happy ending. I realized that for all my brave little Indian talk, I am in no way ready to deal with that sort of thing. After I recovered, we did have a productive conversation and while I'd rather be in denial, he did feel better verbalizing his feelings about it all.

Waiting is the hardest part of what we've faced so far. If waiting is the hardest thing we have to endure, we'll be celebrating come Tuesday.